Friday, July 1, 2011

PA and DE Declare War on NJ

Originally Published on Norristown.Patch.Com

In a move that is shocking many, the First and Second States (Delaware and Pennsylvania) have declared war on the Third State (New Jersey).

The Geography of New Jersey is a large peninsula bordered by the Atlantic Ocean, the Delaware River and Delaware Bay. The only land access to the Garden State is via New York.

The opening of this war will take place in coordination with 4th of July Celebrations.

Both Delaware and Pennsylvania plan to blow the bridges that link New Jersey to their states as part of municipal and county fireworks displays. No one is planned to be on the bridges as part of the demolition. (Although some are trying to bait the New Jersey governor with a pile of free cheeseburgers strategically placed in the middle of the Commodore Barry Bridge.)

Part of the pressure to blow these bridges is the unprecedented number of refugees expected to be coming across to the mainland in response to Governor Chris Christie's draconian policies and to keep this guy bottled up.

But there are also other reasons.

A spokesperson for Philadelphia Mayor Nutter (THAT is his name - I can't make that up) expressed relief that something is finally being done.

I get up in the morning and look across the river and what do I see? Camden - Camden, New Jersey - that would put anyone in a nasty mood. You know what they put on prime riverfront property - a prison. We put classy stuff on our side of the river - like casinos.

Pennsylvania resident Marcel Wrubbernekker, said it well:
Anything north of Trenton is filled with Yankees and Mets Fans. The Yankees fans are arrogant and Mets fans are delusional. Even though South Jersey people are cool - we just can't take the chance on the people in the North getting out. We certainly don't want them here. It would be great if Wyoming would take them.

In response a New Jersey based Mets fan Dominic Wrubbernekker responded,

Yeah -like what do the Phillies got - they're nuthin'. I got your cheesesteak right here!

A Delaware resident Harriet Wrubbernekker piped in saying,
They only like us for our cheap tax-free booze and outlets catering to polyester suits and QVC overstocked merchandise. We can take the hit on that since all their credit card charges are coming thru here anyway.

Vice President Joe Biden, a Delaware resident, responded with,
New Jersey? It's not a big f___ing deal.

The Cape May-Lewes Ferry will remain as the only way to get to New Jersey from the South or the West. The folks in Lewes are looking forward to the money that may be coming in, but the new title of the town, "Gateway to New Jersey" has some worried; but Lewes, Delaware resident Marjorie Wrubbernekker sees an upside.
They overcharge for everything in Cape May - Now it's our turn.

It appears the action New York will take in response to this issue will be to raise tolls on all the bridges and tunnels leading into their state. Spokesman Chet Wrubbernekker stated,

Look, it's a question of supply and demand. We can charge more because more people want to escape New Jersey. We'll make a killing here.

This story is a cynical way to create panic right before the 4th of July - to get people off the beaches and out of New Jersey for a couple of days. If you are taking this seriously, then you need a vacation.

We could use a little more space on the beach in Sea Isle.

Have a great 4th.

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